I was thinking...
ever start feeling guilty about what you previously saw as an achievement? Someone starts saying that they have been disrespected or that you must not care about anyone besides yourself.
Suddenly, feeling great about only arriving 2 minutes past the mark after all the struggles that you just went through, no longer can be a point of pride. We have to try to make ourselves feel as badly about ourself as the other people claim that our imperfections has made them feel.
Except for them, the momentary disruption to starting things at the expected time is fleeting. Yet I will carry around the weight of all their disappointment and anger for hours, days, weeks, years always adding to the pack with each time someone else's expectation isn't what my reality delivered.
Somehow, I am supposed to thrive at a high level, being motivated by all the self hatred that others have given to me to nurture and grow. One may become stronger carrying extra weight around, but trying to get faster while increasing the burdens carried isn't effective.
Self sabotage may have started by an attack from others presented in such an elegant way that we keep hurting ourselves so that they needn't be bothered to do so. Guilt is poison in a pretty bottle.